Ladies and Gen­tle­men I intro­duce you to Mys­tery (right). This is a man with skills, a man with ‘mojo’. This is what we might call, a Pick-Up Artist — DO NOT LOOK INTO HIS EYES, for if you do you will be hyp­no­tised and there will be no hope.

I stum­bled across a pro­gram on Vh1 a while ago (thanks to my wife who finds an odd amount of enjoy­ment from these kinds of shows) and found myself dumb­founded by what I was witnessing.

It seems some­one has tapped into an under­ground soci­ety that I was not aware of — call me back­ward — called the ‘Seduc­tion Com­mu­nity’. It that revolves around the eter­nal skill of pick­ing up women and making yourself look like a com­plete twat. I thought this was just what guys did, and have done for thou­sands of years. I thought it was called, ‘being des­per­ate’. It seems I was a mile off.

Indeed the world of the Pick-Up Artist is far from a rudi­men­tary voy­age into the pants of an intox­i­cated eighteen-year old. Nay, you must mas­ter the ‘Art’ using a whole assort­ment of tricks taught by such lead­ers in the field as Mys­tery or either of his top stu­dents, Mata­dor (suave pimp, left of Mys­tery) and J-Dog (pick a sin­gle hair colour, bro, right
of Mys­tery).

With this tutor and his ‘Wing Men’ you will learn a host of tech­niques. Revel in the ‘demon­stra­tion of high value’ (DHV) where, although you wish to know the chick… sorry, the cmmu­nity calls them the ‘tar­get’, you have to show that you can walk away any time — wow. Mar­vel in the new hairdo you’ve been given which will likely be two-toned, emo-styled, quaffed or sim­ply spiked up to make you look thir­teen. Flash your new look off which will con­sist of either, A) tight jeans and a casual jacket, B) emo (again), or C) a man-whore suit with a large collar.

Once befit­ted with these phys­i­cal alter­ations and emo­tional ‘cool’ gad­gets and mad skills you will be able to do such things as ‘bounce’ a tar­get. This con­sists of mov­ing the tar­get from their cur­rent place (the club they are enjoy­ing with friends) to the place you want them to go (a shitty curry house where you’ll give them diar­rhea). You will be able to use ‘kino’, which is a cool soci­ety way of say­ing kinaes­thet­ics (touch) to gain your per­verted and self­ish wants.

Do not fear though, there is more than just the phys­i­cal. You can show­case such win­ning lines as, “Did you see the fight out­side? Two girls were fight­ing over a guy named George,” to “Would you date a guy who keeps a pic­ture of his ex in his wal­let?” or even the ever pop­u­lar, “Think of a num­ber between one and ten…” Yes they are all here folks and sur­pris­ingly with enough groove you can turn these turgid, embar­rass­ing, self-deprecating lines of excre­ment into a hook on which to catch your bait. Beware though, you might find your­self with some­one who’s IQ matches a pud­dle of snot.

Alas, it’s a good laugh to watch World of War­craft geeks being turned into… well, pimps and slimy bas­tards and think­ing it’s some­how going to reju­ve­nate their lives and give it pur­pose. I hate to break it to them, but what are they going to do AFTER they have the ‘target’?

The show in ques­tion has done noth­ing to build upon the ‘after’ and only con­cen­trates on the present and nail­ing, trap­ping, stalk­ing, lur­ing the poor inno­cent ham­mered blonde these guys set their atten­tions too. I’m curi­ous, do they doll them­selves up just to blow it when they intro­duce their blurry-eyed cap­tive to Mom or their Magik card col­lec­tion? It seems a lit­tle ques­tion­able in essence: to teach the men to hunt, but not how to pre­pare and cook the kill.

I shit you not, there is a dic­tio­nary of Pick-Up terms with their own
def­i­n­i­tions and here’s what I could catch from the TV show:

AVATAR– per­sonal image, who and what you are
KINO — kinaes­thet­ics, touch, stroking etc
DHV — Demon­strat­ing High Value, show that you can walk away (not a lonely bas­tard)
DLV — Demon­strat­ing Lower Value, look­ing pathetic (you are a lonely bas­tard)
PEA-COCKING — wear­ing nice clothes, jew­ellery, show­ing some game
LOCK-IN — to con­trol the sit­u­a­tion
HEALTH INDICATOR — a nice tan, nice skin, nice hair
SET — open­ing a con­ver­sa­tion, enter­ing and con­trol­lin a sit­u­a­tion
TARGET — the cen­tre of your focus, the woman
BOUNCE — to move the tar­get from one place to another
NEGS — a back­handed com­ment to give a false indi­ca­tor and lower a target’s self esteem
ROLL-OFF — to leave a sit­u­a­tion behind and bail
IOI — Indi­ca­tor of Inter­est, show you’re inter­ested
STACKING — weav­ing con­ver­sa­tions and multi-tasking recourse