I’m done. Done with trying to push through a book I know is no shining example of my work, done with attempting to do amazing things with the English language, done with pretending it’s all OK and that I’m a good writer who just hasn’t gotten his arse into gear. I have to stop living in that mindset, stop imagining I can break into success with half-attempts and winging it. If I want to write — to be a writer — then I have to fess up to myself.
I’m letting you know, that I know, that I have been sucking at this writer gig. I’ve floated along for long enough now, thinking that a couple of short stories (that I’ve done nothing with but write) are enough to sustain the creativity of what I consider my imaginative mind. I need to translate the wobbly words in my head into actual, readable sentences — stop letting my subconscious override the simplicity of a good story with confusing description and a truck full of filler-content.
Holding onto And The Stars Ran Red and thinking ‘it just hasn’t been published yet’ is a joke — one I’m playing on myself. The book — THAT book — was merely a reflection of a process, a process that taught me to not keep trying at a form of SF I have no particular interest in writing. Nothing since ‘Ran Red has been similar, not even close. I haven’t written a space-faring SF story for years, and I wonder why… because it’s not what I ‘dig’ as SF. So, enough of all that BS. I have to put it in a draw and ignore it forever, or at least until I know how to write the story better.
I have unpublished May 5 & The Assassin, not as some dramatic turn of events, but because I know it was not — and is not — ready to be a showcase for my writerly ways. It was doing me a disservice to stick it out there, imagining it would garner any fans or fellow writer accolades. I was a bit stupid in that regard, but mostly, I was rushing it and again, pretending I didn’t need an editor and Beta readers to go over it properly. I wrote it in my head, put it out for free, then thought it ready to charge for. What. A. Muppet.
Only Shadows Ahead is where I’m at now, and though I began the inception of the notion of an idea, I’m laughing if I think I actually had a book in there anywhere. Another joke played on me, by me. So, where does that leave me? It leaves me with starting again — fresh. Putting away all I had and beginning the process PROPERLY, as if I had the intention to ACTUALLY finish a book worth a damn.
…and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m starting anew; starting Only Shadows Ahead from the beginning and following a path laid out that will, hopefully, lead me to fruition. I’m going to set up a plan of success, knuckle down and try my hardest to get this damn thing written. I have the ideas, I’m still excited about the story and plot, but I need to put aside my issues with commitment and discipline and JUST DO IT (and suck it Nike, I’m not paying for that).
You listening, universe? I’m revitalized, and ready to give my entire writer-world a new jump start. I’m sending out positive vibes and encouraging thoughts. Send some good juju my way, would you? Some unicorn smiles or rainbow high fives, eh?
Ryan G. Sanders